As per the law of blogging I offer you my looking back / looking forward post that is due at the year end.
What to say?
I can tell you that I’ve had some great professional successes this year, some wonderful times with my daughter and that I’ve strengthened and deepened friendships through laughter as well as tears and that I know that next year will likely be more of the same.
All of that is good – better than good – it is fantastic.
I am luckier than many to have a life I enjoy filled with people I love and yet I can’t say that at the moment I am feeling happy. I haven’t for a while. I have days of contentment and moments of pure joy but for some time I feel like I’m just not doing enough and even if I did ‘do enough’ that it would somehow be futile. Because while I have many many wonderful things in my life I still feel like I’m struggling. This isn’t about the material things in life – a better car, the latest gadgets or the hautest of coture, it is about a very real feeling of being stuck.
There will only ever be so much that I can achieve because I’m only one person with a limited amount of energy, time and resources.
It seems that while we are further on than where I was 6 years ago, when I became a single parent, I’m still as far away as ever from achiveiving the things I want in life. It seems that no matter how fun and fantastic I am that there isn’t a partner to share my life with.
I want to do more and I want to achieve more, but what will it mean if I do? How will it serve me? Because I’m doing a pretty damn fantastic job at the moment and that doesn’t feel good enough. Perhaps I need re-programming. Or perhaps I need some of that elusive fix-all called “me time” but if I give me time I’m stealing it from something else, a project I want to complete, a business idea to get up and running, a running goal I want to get to.
I honestly don’t know what the answer is. I’ve spent at least 8 months feeling blue and it is bloody boring. I tried counselling and the counsellor told me that I was one of the most competant people that he’d met, a person that knew her worth and that he didn’t really think I needed any help from him. Perhaps I was looking for an answer, more guideance than I can give myself, but all we came up with was that sometimes life sucks and you’ve got to live with it when it does and not let it get you down too much.
And I think that perhaps it is this – the need to suck it up – that has knocked me. Because as good as I am I’m still single, I’m still skint and I’m still unable to offer my child a secure future. It has been six years of getting up every day and doing my best for us and I’m tired, really really tired, I want our life to be different but it isn’t. Maybe the advances are so small and I’m too lost in the detail of balancing budgets, menu planning, ballet mumming and the rest that I don’t see them and don’t feel them.
I want 2016 to be different, to feel different, but I don’t really know where to start or what to change. I know it has to start with a little self analysis and a little self kindness, but if the world wants to send me a meteor shower of kindness to help me on my way it will be gratefully received.
Wishing you all a peaceful 2016.