I’m not having a mid-life crisis so much as a mid-life crash. I don’t really feel like I know who I am anymore.

Of course, I know who I am, or at least some of the roles I have; parent, businesswoman, daughter, friend. What I’m less sure of is who I am to me, and that’s a bit odd and difficult. I feel a bit lost but I’m hoping a pair or trousers might save me.

Change happens incrementally over months and years; I sold the Eroticon conference which was heavily tied to my Ruby Kiddell persona, without the writing and the conference I didn’t have a role for Ruby and she’s grown silent. While I’m not wanting to go back to erotica writing and sex conference organising, I do miss Ruby or at least the outlet that Ruby provided. A way to be fun, flirty, openly sensuous and sexy that isn’t there is my everyday single-mum life.

Earlier this year I was made redundant and set up a new marketing consultancy. A transition that demands you go from feelings of being discarded and undervalued to trying to sell yourself as valuable and needed to others with little time for reflection (and then invoice them for it!)

And then there’s my body and clothes. As I’ve aged through the first half of my 40s I’ve put weight on, a body changing isn’t always comfortable, not least because clothes no-longer fit and styles no-longer flatter. Even my clothes don’t know who I am anymore. General skintness means that I can’t just swan around the shops for a new wardrobe and even if I tried I’d have no clue what size I am in any shops anymore let alone which brands would suit me. I’ve tried sewing a few things but again the shift in size means I’m left with clothes that don’t quite fit and I’ve got to the point in my life where I only want clothes that I love AND that fit.

And so, as I come to the end of the year all I’m really sure of is that I want to feel more like me, even though I’m not entirely sure who that is. I want to look more like me too.

I’ve got a plan and it starts with trousers – I’ve two pairs that aren’t jeans that fit and I’d like to have more. I’ve got a trouser fitting shell and I’m going to be all grown-up and make a fitting pattern which means that every pair of trousers I make will fit me perfectly (I hope). This plan also gives me an opportunity to be creative again. To have fun designing and making clothes for me. Being in full control of my style.

This isn’t about fashion or trends, it’s about being me and I’ve always felt like me when I can experiment with my clothes and express different facets of my personality through them.  So I’m starting with the perfect pair of trousers and seeing where they take me.